Soooo...yeah. Fantasy sports.
Official Jackass Time-Waster.
Seriously, does anyone engage in the "playing" of fantasy sports for any other reason than to waste time at work? I am pretty sure that is the only reason why the entire genre of fantasy sports exists at all. So that you can "be working" on something all day at work (i.e. setting your line-up, trading players, etc) that actually kind of looks like you could be working.
I know some people - ahem - who actually get to use work time to hold their officially work-sanctioned fantasy draft. And no, I am not just talking about the people I have known that worked for ESPN.com. Although, as I understand it (and it's been a while so I may have this wrong), employees at ESPN.com were basically required to have a fantasy team for every fantasy sport that ESPN.com offered - including fantasy bass fishing - although they were of course ineligible to win any money should their "bass fishing team" actually prevail. Kind of a let down, after all those hours spent researching the best bass fishermen in the U.S.A., ranking them according to skill (gutting, scaling, casting, etc) and then assembling a veritable Bass Dream Team, but whatever.
Due to my unique life experiences, I have a little bit of knowledge about fantasy baseball, and I have seen how this particular fantasy game has a way of taking over one's life. Team emails. Team phone calls. Pages of random stats scattered around the house. Throwing around the term "on base percentage" as if it actually meant something in the real world. (Actually I think it might but that's not important right now.)
I also know a little something about fantasy football. Apparently this is how you play it: the night before the draft, you spend 4 hours working on a "magic formula" that will allow you to draft the best team possible under any given circumstances. After the draft, you pop open a cold one and express your frustration at how shitty the draft was. After three weeks of revising your team, setting your line-up and substituting players, you give up from sheer exhaustion and apathy. That first week you stop setting your line-up is the first week you actually win. That's right, the week you stop caring is the week you start winning. The obvious lesson here? Care less, win more. What could be a more fabulous way to approach life?!?
I guess there are probably worse ways that one could waste time. I mean, at least fantasy sports engage your mind to some degree...some amazingly pointless degree. But it's better than spending your whole day looking at sexy, sexy Halloween porn.
Oh god.
http://www.buycostumes.com/Wide-Receiver-Sexy-Adult-Costume/31938/ProductDetail.aspx
And this is the part where I shout out to Brent J.
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2 comments:
j. where do you come up with this stuff ? you're such a hoot. i only wish there were more so i could laugh outright in my cube for no apparent reason more often.
Your next post should be about Jackass Bloggers, that get everyone hot and bothered with their fresh and new, hilarious, rapid fire blogs, only to leave them wanting with a single post a month, even though their devoted worshipers check back hourly for a fix. :p
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