"Sexy" Halloween Costumes - Official Jackass Holiday Attire

As an adult, for almost every Halloween, I have dressed up as some kind of zombie. Yes, I like to dress up for Halloween, even if I am not going to a party. I like to drive to work in full zombie makeup, frightening the passengers in the cars next to mine. I like running errands as a zombie. And I have been all kinds of zombies - a zombie fast food worker, zombie geisha, zombie Hawaiian tourist, zombie from the 80s - but I have never, ever been a sexy zombie.

What has happened in our society that these "sexy" Halloween costumes are now the norm for women? Have we forgotten that Halloween is supposed to be about fright, not about boobs? It seems as if Halloween has become just another excuse for women (and, sadly, girls) to prance around in provocative clothing, attracting attention both wanted and unwanted.

I realize I might sound like a prude here. But there are times and places for sexy clothing, and Halloween is not one of them. For instance, if you want to wear a Hooters outfit, why not get a job at Hooters? Then you can wear that outfit year round! Think of the fun you'll have, wearing those tiny nylon shorts not just one day, but every day! Think how fun it'll be to splash hot sauce onto your heaving breasts in hopes of receiving just a few more extra dollars when you get your tips at the end of the night!

And if you want to dress as a sexy nurse, why not get a job as a sexy nurse? I'm sure there are plenty of lascivious octagenerians who need tending to!

Now, if you want to be a sexy witch, it is a little harder to find a job. There is pretty much only one sexy witch job and Elvira has "filled out" that position for quite a while now. Unless you start an all-witch strip club.

Wait a minute. That is a fantastic idea. A strip club that specializes in sexy Halloween ladies! All year long! On that stage, sexy Girl Scouts! On this stage, sexy angels and devils! On the stage in the back, sexy Dorothy and her sexy dog Toto. I'm going to start looking for venture capital right now.

In the meantime, let's try to keep Halloween pure. Meaning, let's keep it focused on vampires, mummies, zombies, and assorted Frankensteins. Black cats and ugly witches, skeletons, evil clowns, pirates, and demon heads on turtle bodies. Let's stay traditional.

Thanks to Stephanie P. for the suggestion.