"Popcorn" Food - Official Jackass Snack

So, yeah. Look. I'm not a snob. I like "popcorn" food as much as the next jackass. I mean, popcorn chicken? Yum! Popcorn shrimp? Yes, please!

But seriously, I mean, do we really need to cut our food up into bite-size portions and then individually fry those pieces until they are completely unrecognizable? Are we a nation of toddlers?

Why do we even bother with the "protein center" in the middle of these popcorn nuggets? I mean, what we really want is something salty, fried, and easily consumed right? Wouldn't it be cheaper to just eat tiny fried dough balls? Or - wait - tiny balls of battered and fried popcorn! Popcorn Popcorn! Oh my god, please tell me that I am the first person to think of this.

As I said earlier, I am not going to deny that "popcorn"-style food is delicious. But just because something is delicious does not mean that we should be proud to eat it. I am guessing that a human rump roast would taste pretty good, but that doesn't mean we go around eating our neighbors.

To me, the whole idea of "I don't cook, I don't like to think about the fact that what I am eating came from an actual chicken, I like fried things, and I like my food to come in a whimsically striped box" is just pure jackass. If you're going to eat chicken, you should have to roast a whole one and tear the tasty flesh away from the bones. Sure, it's creepy when you're holding the uncooked bird in your palm, washing it under the faucet and thinking to yourself "Wow, this feels like a human baby in my hand. And I'm going to cook it and eat it." But that's part of taking responsibility for your food.

Having said all this, I'd really like to attend an all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp bonanza, because I am really curious to see exactly how much popcorn shrimp I can eat. Like, pound-wise. Two pounds? Is that a lot?

I want to see just how much of a jackass I can be. Where do they have these things - Red Lobster? Has anyone ever eaten at Red Lobster? Because I haven't. I want to put on a scarf with a t-shirt, put on my new aviator sunglasses (which are super-jackass and I will write about them later), stroll into a Red Lobster and eat pound after pound of popcorn shrimp. And I won't stop until they run out of shrimp or until I stop breathing. I'm telling you, it's going to be close.

Thanks to Terry W. ("Mom") for the suggestion.