Welcome to Jackass Patrol.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, who put you in charge? Who said you can lead this patrol?"

And I answer: Me. I put myself in charge of patrolling jackasses. Because I am a jackass. How can you tell? Because I'm wearing a scarf with a goddamn t-shirt, that's how you can tell. What kind of a jackass wears a scarf with a t-shirt? A t-shirt and a sweater and a coat, maybe, but just a t-shirt? That's like wearing elbow-length gloves with a romper. But scarves are so in right now! I'm fashionable! Wait, no, I'm a jackass.

And that's what qualifies me to be in charge of this patrol. This blog is going to be about being "on the beat", as the cops like to say (in 1970s movies about cops). I'm patrolling this town, this city, this state, this world, this universe - on the lookout for jackasses. (And I'm not going to use the word "jackassery", not yet at least). And guess what? You're on the patrol too.

Here's how it works. Me, and you, and the dude in the cubicle next to you with the Simpsons figurines from Burger King - we're all going to be keeping our eyes open. Because every day things happen to us that remind us of the jackasses in this world, and these things make us laugh. Then we put them on this blog. Hilarity ensues. We all have something funny to read during our 10:15 yogurt break. And suddenly, life seems a little bit more worth living for.

Am I overstating the potential of this blog? Definitely. But if people didn't overstate potential, we'd never have sugar-free iced coffee at McDonalds. We'd never have presidents. People, we would never have Jesus. Yeah, I went there.

Anyway. Let the jackassery begin.

Shit. I already said it.