Audi: Official Jackass Vehicle

Okay, so, let's be honest. Have you ever known anyone who drives an Audi and isn't a jackass? The Audi is like the official vehicle for jackasses. It has an obscure European pedigree that no one really knows or cares about (what are they? German? Swedish? Austrian? Who gives a shit?). It has a logo that kind of looks like the Olympic symbol but isn't the Olympic symbol but, somehow, still says "International Victory". They are kind of sport-oriented but kind of safety-oriented, like a stallion that's been trained as a guide for the blind. And instead of model names, they use some kind of weird foreign code: A4, A6...aren't these European paper sizes?

The point is, these things are pretentious. They want to be all things - sporty, safe, classy, luxurious. If this car was a dude at a bar, he would smell like Colors - The Cologne of Benetton and he would be buying me something ending in "tini".

And what about those Audis that look like silver jellybeans with wheels? Those little roadster things? I've got one word for the people that own those. MIATA. That's right. When I see one of your shiny silver treats zipping past me on the right, only to cut me off and then screech to a halt behind the semi I've been following, I think, "Who's that jackass in the Miata? Oh. That's an Audi."

I challenge you to find me an Audi driver who doesn't vote republican.